Perinatal Loss: Happy (?) Mother’sDay
“But can she actually be considered a mother?”
The second Sunday of May, presumably a joyful holiday when the matriarchs, or maternal figures, in family units are honored and showered with presents. Strangers often shout “Happy Mother’s Day” to any woman of childbearing age from the end of April all the way up until the anticipated holiday. But is Mother’s Day always happy? What of those who are mothers, but do not quite fit into society’s definition of one?
According to Merriam-Webster a mother is “a female parent”; they in turn define the word parent as “one that begets or brings forth offspring”. But what about the female parent that has yet to bring forth offspring? A question that may seem like a paradox to most, is a question that looms in the minds of those that struggle with fertility and have experienced a loss.
How can a female be considered a parent if she has not yet begot or brought forth offspring? The answer to that question would depend on how one chooses to define a mother. In the world of infertility, a mother is defined as a person that carries a child in their heart. The same definition can arguably be applied to the world of perinatal loss.
This subset of women exists in between worlds. They are mothers that created life that was not sustained. They are mothers whose pregnancies were given the label of chemical. They are mothers whose pregnancy was proven otherwise. They are mothers who never reached the second trimester. They are mothers of children who left this world before they left her body. They are mothers of children who did not make it through her delivery. They are mothers of children who never exited the NICU. They are mothers of children who transitioned as they slept. They are mothers who hope that this adoption will go through. And they are mothers fighting their biology to create life and bring forth a child.
All these women carry a child in their heart, even though one is not in their arms. All these women love like a mother, fight like a mother, grieve like a mother, yearn like a mother, and cry like a mother. All these women are mothers, yet society does not always see them as such. As a result, on the second Sunday in May they often shrink into isolation and hide their pain behind a smile; they focus on creating comfort for others rather than creating space for themselves. They are the unseen walking paradoxes of pain that deserve just as much recognition as the traditional mother, because they love their child with the same level of intensity as the traditional mother.
So, on this Mother’s Day, let it be known that they are seen and let it be known that they are loved. Let us all remind them that despite the written definition, that they are a mother each and every day; and they always will be.
